Becoming Willow

Who am I.... I'm an ordinary working class girl. I used to think that there was nothing special about me besides I am a good, kind person, that has survived a lot in my life that could have easily have broken me. If you are here to criticise my English, spelling, or grammar, move on. If you want to try and say all these things I've written in my book didn't happen, move on you weren't there.

I'm going to speak with truth from the heart and tell you my life story. I'm looking not for recognition, or for people to feel sorry for me, I want to help. For what ever reason you can't get help elsewhere, or or can not afford help, or feel you don't want to share face to face, then this is for you.

I have been writing a book for many years and I now know it will never be finished. I'm still here to tell my story, and so are you. I hope that this site and my efforts, can help just one person survive from the darkness and believe in tomorrow. We all have had, some sort of mind blowing experiences we don't feel we deserved. I want to help anyone who has had tragedy in their lives, or just feel they are drowning in their own thoughts.

I want to grow a community, where you can share your thoughts and feelings, or ask for advice. We can all help each other to grow through our pain and experiences. Believe you are worth it, and its worth dreaming for a better tomorrow.

No i'm not a qualified psychiatrist or counsellor, but I am qualified in life. I have had many experiences, too many really for one person to bear. What I do know is, nobody knows how you are truly feeling unless they have been there themselves. When I find out how to do it, there will be dedicated safe spaces for people who have suffered in the same way. So like, can chat with like, where ever you are in the world.

I'm not the best writer, in fact I was in remedial English as a small child. In later life when my daughter was diagnosed with Dyslexia. I realised I was too, when I struggled with words and numbers, I knew inside I wasn't stupid, but in the sixties this is how you were treated. People didn't know about Dyslexia or many of the many other diagnosis that are out there nowadays. I'd just learnt as my daughter did, ways of overcoming this disability to try and make the most out of my life. I'm hoping my spelling and grammar checker makes all this legible enough to understand. I don't need negative talk and neither do the people whom may eventually become my readers. I'm here to help and everything is free. I want to form a community where like minded or even broken people can come and heal from their pain by talking openly in a safe place. Many people won't ask for help or can not afford to pay for it, or even that there is nothing available in their area. Men find it especially hard to open up, but this is a place where you can be whoever you want to be.

This morning when I was in bed, preparing my brain with positive thoughts for the day, I realised I never have to finish my book for it to be of value or help people. If i'd have had the opportunity to go to university I would have been a doctor, and save lives, but I didn't and there are different ways to save lives.

Yesterday I asked Ai what should I call my book, It's had lots of different names over the 12 years since I put pen to paper. I couldn't decide what to call it, so I thought let Ai have a try. I gave it a run down of what the book was about and it came up with "Becoming Willow." Why Becoming Willow? because I've learnt to bend without breaking, and what doesn't break you makes you stronger. So there it is, it now has a name.

I am going to give you the chapters one at a time for free. I'm not going to publish in a book you have to buy, as many people can't afford books, or are daunted if i say its 90,000 words and still growing. I was told 90,000 words was to long for a novel, but how could I cut bits out of it, it is what it is, and some stories are long. I have started the book from my earliest recollection, why? Because everything you are comes from your life as a small child. It's why we get treated as we do. It's why we have certain characteristics to our personality. We are moulded from an early age and your life before five is who you become in later life. I used to think that this was rubbish, how are grown people still controlled by childhood emotions, experiences and thoughts. Well we are! I learnt this and it was hard to swallow. After about a year and a half of counselling with a lovely lady (I'll call J") from survive. "J" literally saved me from myself, my guardian angel. When we first met I was lower than I have ever been in my life. Some days I just sat looking at the bottle of pills that could stop the pain, stop the suffering and release me once and for always.

Please read the book from the beginning, all will become clear as you go through the chapters. After each chapter, I will give a small breakdown of how the experiences in that section would change me forever. You don't have to have exactly the same experiences, you could then write down your earliest experiences and how you feel it changed you and your life.

Life is what we make it and we are going to have a for filling, good, happy and bright future.

You are a sunflower, always face the sun and the darkness will fall behind.